Killing time

So I have about an hour before the job hunt marathon thing I'm going to, so I figured I'd update. It's so hot in my room. Especially since I have no windows. And being on the top floor doesn't help. I love my apartment, but it's a fricken sauna half the time.

I'm so not in school mode. I feel like I haven't been in classes since December '05. Even though I obviously took classes in London, it was different. I did so much travelling and the whole experience was just incredible that classes are really just an afterthought. And I KNOW that after this December I won't have classes EVER again. So I just can't get myself into school mode. If I end up NOT graduating in December because I failed due to my stupidity and lack of motivation, I'll seriously hate myself.

You know, so many people around me are in relationships and in love. And I'm happy for them. I'm honestly and genuinely happy for them. But it's kind of bittersweet too. It just makes me think of what I'll never have. If I don't think about it too much, I'm really ok with being single. It's not like this all-consuming feeling that I have to have a boyfriend and I'm nothing without one. It's not like that at all. I have so much going on in my life. So many other things to focus on. Like making my way into the magazine world. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Replenishin my back account after the damgae I did to it in Europe and NYC. Focusing on my last semester. Making the most of my time left and spending time with my friends. Guys and relationships are last on my list of things to worry about. But when I'm around it, or I hear about it, or whatever...that's when it hurts. That's when I realize what I don't have. What I'll never have.

Basically, I'm sick of the bullshit. I'm sick of going to bars and meeting guys I have no interest in and I'll never trust. I'm sick of guys saying, "You're so beautiful," when all they really want is some ass. I'm sick of the games. I'm sick of it all. I'm only 21, but I'm done. The whole 'going out, hooking up' game was old a long time ago. Quite frankly, the whole thing disgusts me a little bit. So I'm done. I give up.

I've been in love before. But it's been so long, I honestly don't think I remember what it feels like. I hear my friends talk about how in love they are, and I know they really mean it. It's fascinating. I'm so in awe of the complete love they have for their partners. And I'm jealous of it. I'd love to love someone that way. So truely, purely, and completely. And be loved that way. But I can't imagine ever feeling that way about someone. I admire that kind of love, and I'm fascinated by it, and I want it. But I can't ever see myself feeling what they feel. Ever.

This journal has been so relationship and love themed lately. It kind of makes me sick. I sound like a 12-year-old who's only goal in life is to have a boyfriend. It's not like that, but there's really no point in trying to explain it any further than I already have. I just need to get over it all because really, no one wants to hear it. I'm sure these entries are quite boring. No one likes to hear someone complain about being single. Ugh, I really do sound ridiculous lately.

Ok, I'm done. I'm over it. No more love/relationship posts for a long time because it's sickening.